I'm not going to try and make light of this subject or claim that I know the answers or anything like that. I'm not an expert, nor have I done any research at all into this area. So please, understand that this is just my thoughts, my perspective, my little bubble of existence, nothing more. I'm certainly not judging anyone. If you have any sort of issues, do not look to me for advice.
I don't even know where to start, but this week I had some strange thoughts. I've been finding it difficult to avoid junk food. Yesterday I had a choc-chip cookie for afternoon tea and handful of party lollies/jellies after dinner. This morning I had another choc-chip cookie and was about to have another when I decided I should fill my water bottle up and have that instead. I then sat down to write this post.
I've never previously understood how or why someone would get something like bulimia, not that it is contagious, but why would someone think it was a good idea to stick their fingers down their throat and puke up what they just ate. Surely no one would think that was normal or something that they should even think about doing. Let alone do it on a regular basis so that it becomes normal for them.
I'm a middle aged overweight man, the only person who has ever said that I should lose any weight is my doctor and that's purely for health reasons, not because they thought I looked fat or unattractive. When the doctor said I should lose weight and they wanted to do more regular check-ups I said to myself, yeah, whatever, I'm only here to get my toe looked at. Once my toe is sorted it's not like I'm coming back so you can weigh me again and tell me to lose more weight. As it turned out, I had gout in my big toe which was probably related to my diet and being overweight. Anyway I tried to drink more water from that point on and decided not have BBQ asparagus with my steak and I haven't had gout since.
When I decided to lose weight it was the result of a few different things. I was feeling uncomfortable in my own body. Putting on shoes, bending over, sitting down, lying in bed, basically all the time I was starting to feel uncomfortable in my tummy and I didn't like it. I didn't like the way my belly was growing and starting to hang over my belt. I saw other more heavily overweight people and how they struggled to walk up the stairs or ran out of breath and I didn't want end up like that.
The only pressure on me to lose weight is from myself. I have no peer pressure, I'm not lonely, my wife isn't pressuring me or loving me any less because I'm overweight (at least as far as I know). My friends haven't said anything although they would have seen me growing slowly over the last two decades. Lots of Aussie blokes have beer bellies, it's almost part of our culture. I want to lose weight so I feel better, to know that I am healthier and that I will hopefully live a longer life. I want to exercise as an example to my children to show them that exercise is a normal part of life and we should all be doing it.
So why then, last week when I ate two doughnuts after dinner, was I feeling so guilty and ashamed of myself, that just for a fleeting moment I thought about going to puke them up? As soon as I thought it I dismissed it but it scared me. I mean WTF, where do thoughts like that come from? As far as I was concerned I was trying pretty hard to avoid junk and a moment of temptation got the better of me. I wished that it hadn't happened and the only way I could think of to make it right again was to puke? Why didn't I think that I should just go and do some sit ups or something to burn off the doughnuts. Why does the exercise solution only present itself to me now as I'm writing this. My head is obviously in the wrong space, I'm more focussed on losing weight than improving my health. Losing weight should be a side effect from improving my health and not the other way around.
I didn't go and puke up the doughnuts in case you were wondering, but now I think I can understand a little why someone would. I'm not condoning it, it's a terrible idea. I can't imagine the pressure some people must feel they are under when they resort to putting their fingers down their throats. It's not living, it's not healthy and it genuinely makes me scared for my kids. I never really had any pressure from my friends or peer group growing up. I was bullied a little in high school but no where near as much as others and as much as it saddens me to think about it today, I did bully others at times.
I think I need to concentrate more on eating healthy and having healthy snacks if snacks are needed. Concentrate more on exercising better and not worrying about the weight loss component as much. The weight loss will take care of itself as long as I am taking care of myself.
Bomber
seriously, if you need help, get it, there is plenty of free help available. No one needs to suffer in silence with an eating disorder.
http://bfy.tw/KZtk
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